I seem to be angry at myself, and it’s dark. Contemplating God’s anger has been awesome: contemplating my own anger is not.
The main anger is not about anything I did or didn’t do, but that I’m alive and well. Something deep inside says I shouldn’t have survived, if I think there’s anything wrong with me I’m making it up, I’m wasn’t sufficiently injured, I should not have had good parents, I’ve no right to exist. I’m thankful that there is an even deeper voice that says, ‘Child, I made you, I love you, and I am the life-giver!’
Some of the negative voices come from places and from people that are too personal for me to put on a blog. There are two sources, though, that my readers might like to know about.
One is the Jewish experience of persecution and ‘holocaust’ – a whole people being treated as if it had no right to exist. It’s normal for people who had relatives die in the gas chambers to feel as if they should have been there or even that they were there – I’m called after a grandmother who died there, and have often confused myself with her in my thoughts.
The other is the medical system, which didn’t want to keep my brother and me in hospital after the accident which killed our parents because we weren’t ill enough (and what else were a 13 year old and a 15 year old supposed to do when they were 40 miles from home, they had no way of getting home and anyway there was no-one there to go to?). Which kept me in hospital after my head injury for 10 days’ ‘observation’, getting increasingly non-functional, treating me as if I were wasting their precious time because they couldn’t find anything amiss in my brain (which implied that there was nothing wrong with me), treating me as ‘naughty’ when I went and sat in the corridor because I couldn’t stand the noise in the ward, and which, despite all the ‘observation’, didn’t guess that I was traumatized. I could go on, but I won’t. But I do hear the anger at the system, and I understand why people find a certain satisfaction in legal actions!
Today, I’m going to thank God for all the people in the medical system who have helped me and my family – and that includes my father, who was a wonderful GP!